When the rain is blowing in your face, And the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace, To make you feel my love.

It was when my last relationship ended that I decided I was going to date a woman. I had woven another stitch in the pattern of failed relationships and I felt this overwhelmingly dense feeling of sorrow. I would smile and laugh, but the feeling would rattle around my chest like a caged lion waiting to be released back to the wild. Then one afternoon, someone crept in quietly, unlocked the cage and let the lion loose and it was absolute emotional lawlessness. I’d had enough, you may call it an impulsive decision, but when I tell you about her you will see why I struggle to comprehend life without her.

We had grown up together, but we were more like acquaintances than friends. She had three half sisters and a half brother but always felt like she did not have a ‘proper’ family. When she was younger she was afraid that people would judge her mother because her siblings had different fathers, so she would lie whenever she was asked. Her Dad would collect and return her on the weekends and she remembers feeling an instinctive need to be perfect. She did not want to do anything that would upset him and was afraid that if she did something wrong, he may not come and get her next weekend. Her mother suffered from bouts of depression and she felt an enormous amount of pressure to preserve her mother’s mental health. She was certain, that one day, she would come home and find her mother had taken her own life and she would have to raise her younger sister. On occasion my Mum would need some time for herself and would leave our house unannounced, I would wait by her bedroom window and watch until she came home. I was convinced that one day my Mum would not come back and I was in continual preparation for that day. I would ask myself, ‘how would I explain it to my sister’, ‘how would I look after her’, ‘what would happen to our house’. I was scared and anxious and was desperate to feel safe and loved.

By the time I was 17 I had my first boyfriend and to this day he is still one of the most manipulative people I have met. He saw my need for love and security and would dangle it in front of my face like I was one of Pavlov’s dog’s. He would say, “You have messed up again! I was just about to fall in love with you but you ruined it all!” Most days were filled with criticism and blame and he would chuckle and say, “I should really stop blaming you for everything because I know I am going to give you a complex, but it is actually always your fault!”

Humiliating and belittling me was my next boyfriend’s sport. He once strangled me on the stairs in my Mother’s house, and although I knew it was not my fault, I took on the blame so that he would not leave. I desperately mourn the 19-year-old me.

I spent 18 months with someone who essentially wanted to pimp me out. He would constantly cheat on me and once that relationship ended, I waved my white flag and surrendered. I was 21 and had lost all hope in men and just wanted to be left alone.

By 23 I seemed to think I knew exactly what I wanted, so I decided to enter into another relationship. Now, two and a half years later, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, I had no idea. I will not disclose the details of this relationship but it broke me, more than any relationship prior. I found it difficult to verbalise the hurt and would spend days in bed and nights awake, reliving our story. I knew that this was going to leave a deep wound which I was incapable of repairing, so I put a muzzle on it. I understood in those moments that this relationship was a game-changer, so I decided to date and marry myself.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear, And there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years. To make you feel my love.

I came to the realisation that I did not love myself, and I had deep-seated sadness that no boyfriend could repair. I prayed that God would forgive my parents, because I can confidently say they had no clue how detrimental their relationship was for me, and I doubt the outcome of their relationship was their ideal. I asked God to forgive my ex-boyfriends. I now understand that hurt people, hurt people, and they all had their own issues. I decided to accept my inadequacies and make a life-long commitment to myself before God, that I would love myself at my best and worst, just like Christ does. On the days that I am kind and caring I will love myself just as much as on the days when I laze around and procrastinate. I will love myself whether I win the lottery or find myself drowning in debt. I will love myself in sickness and in health and in the middle of the night when the wheels of worry start to turn, and sleep runs away and hides, I will love myself. I wanted to get to a place where nothing but Christ completed me, no job, no amount of money and no temporary ‘I love you’s.

I decided to be vulnerable before His throne, and tell Him the intricate details of my shame and inadequacies. Simply uttering the words, and asking for forgiveness set me free. When my ex-fiancé and I split, I remember saying to him; “you have just made my future husband very happy” because I was determined to live out Christ’s ideal in my life. I refused to be bitter or to speak negatively about him I just wanted to move on, with no apology from him or a sense of remorse. I was determined to work with Christ, and repair my gaping wounds. I am focused on remaining true to the person that Christ designed me to be, no matter the circumstance, or how bad the situation may be.

I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue, I’d go crawling down the avenue. No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do, To make you feel my love.

And that is why I decided to marry a woman.